Victory in the Vale

Boobs and Boghags
And I don't understand why everyone is mad at me...

by Hio

Off we go adventuring along the troll-filled greens! Off we go a wandering, so fair to be seen (at least as far as the fact that I’m near god-like in how I look because the rest of the party isn’t really all that pretty especially because they’re dudes and most dudes can’t be pretty and Lyssa is my sister so that is just weird like halfling sex).

We were on our way to Moonstare because some guy was dead and that usual story. Lots of trolls in this area, which kind of sucked cause I just got rid of my Irontooth flaming ax and guess who hates fire: trolls. I bet you couldn’t guess that. Luckily, as soon as we got into town, I arrived to a shiny flaming bastard sword from the family. Most of those guys back home are idiots who get into politics or some other boring crap. It’s part of why I joined the royal guard—why’d you ever want to talk to people when you can punch ‘em instead? Can’t say I’m a huge fan of going home to visit. But, being a noble has its perks sometimes, like in getting new stuff for no reason and for picking up broads. Then it’s pretty cool.

Anyway, we got into town to meet with the Mayor. She was pretty hott, but so were the chicks we’d just seen not an hour before who turned out to be Boghags. So, naturally, I wanted to make sure that she, the Mayor, was “all natural,” and “not boghag-y.” I did make sure of this, by going for the only thing that really makes a woman worth talking to: her breasts. And I can say with complete certainty that she was really really real, and really really a woman. Giggity.

Then she called the guards on me, even though I told her that she had nice boobs (I mean, how can you possibly be mad after hearing that?!). Lyssa and V got pissed and sent me away but oh well cause I found a chick at the bar and yeah, I totally boned her. We’re off again this morning to kill some more trolls after advice from some creepy Dragonborn who apparently sucked at life and is now friends with our cleric. Time for more stabbity stabs woot.

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Another letter to home

Hi Mom, Dad, and everyone,

Sorry again for not writing sooner. I know I forget sometimes, but this time, I really have an excuse! Me and everyone else went to investigate a pyramid we found on a map that we got from some evil wizard we took down for the Thunderspire people. When we got to the pyramid, we got stuck inside with magic. No, really, it was a prison for a really bad guy named Kraken Krakatoa Karabara Kreekyshoes Let’s just call him K. Turns out, we had to take him out to get out of the place.

Funny thing was, he was split into three pieces in the pyramid. We found that out because Lyssa got a floating head who knew a lot of stuff. She wasn’t very nice at first, but she got better when she figured out when could help her. Anyway, we found a forgetful K, who was pretty tough, a boney K, who was even worse, and a tentacle K, who sucked like the wizard.

Oh, that reminds me! I got a familiar! Valthrun got a demon cat who talked to me, even though Valthrun said he couldn’t talk, so when I met Ned the imp, I asked him if he wanted to come along with me. Now, he goes everywhere with me and is pretty funny. He says things suck like the wizard. Much better than a stupid demon cat.

Anyway, lots of other stuff happened in the pyramid before we went to fight the super K. Hio got sad just because I tried to zap him when a voice told me there was treasure. I was going to share and Hio normally likes getting hurt, but he took it hard. He got better, though. A bunch of tree people helped us, then tried to double cross us. That wasn’t a good idea on their part, but they did have these piles of stuff that absorbed my lightning. That wasn’t good. Oh, and Elias got a bear to ride. Even though he hates undead like a cleric, I’m pretty sure he’s turning into a druid. A giant purple tree hugger. That’ll be weird. Valthrun also has a succubus with his demon cat now, so I’m pretty sure he’s going to be evil soon. Maybe when he died, the real Valthrun didn’t come back after all. He can’t really hurt any of us even if he does turn evil, but it’ll be sad. He finds fun stuff for us to do.

So, yeah, we killed super K and when we went back to Thunderspire, we sold off a lot of stuff and got some money. I’ve got some neat stuff to show you when I’m home again. But for now, we have to return a necklace that we found in the pyramid. It’s really old, so we’re pretty sure there’s a big reward. Should be fun.

Lot’s of love, and I’ll try to write again soon.

Nebin

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Guess We Should Have Killed Everybody
Cause in the end, everybody's a dick.

by Hio

So there we were, high as hell off our recent day’s killings, looking forward to the next day’s battle and the UberKaravakos. We go to sleep with Kamnor and the Tree People (as usual, since the seed incident), wake, tell them our plans (which, by the way, was a bad idea) and the freakin’ twiggers attack us! I mean, we killed them, burned them down to ash, etc., no problem, but I guess this just shows we could have killed ’em outright. I even dug that seed out of my arm with the spike from that Kruthik I killed.

Not much else to tell: there was a door with sky things on it. Sun, Moon, Stars. We had to open it in the right order with the right keys we’d found on the 3 Karavakoseseses so far. Valthrun was pretty damn quiet the entire time, for being someone who claims to be soooo smart. Meh. We got it figured out eventually and the door opened.

So, into the room with a bazillion Karavakoses. How many souls does this guy have?! We disposed of them all without a problem and the pyramid opened up. Honestly, I thought the Bone Karavakos, with his bone walls and bone tables and bone pillars was much harder to fight. But at least, hey, now we can go back to town for some hookers.

Also, I decided that Irontooth wasn’t nearly as badass as I thought. I mean, we’ve killed much more interesting things since we killed that stupid goblin. And besides, I trained much more with a bastard sword than I ever did with an ax sword. Thinking it’s time for a change.

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Suck-u-BISEXUALS

by Hio

Yes. You heard me. Two succubi. Two sets of wings. Two hot bodies. One horny Hio.

V summoned back Danna to fight that fleshy-room of floor blood that Lyssa seemed so disturbed by. I think maybe Elyas had said something something about it that upset her but I don’t remember. Mostly because THERE WERE TWO SUCCUBI MAKING OUT. Gods, so hott.

Oh yeah, the second succubus. I figured out it was an illusion. Don’t know where it came from, but Hio’s been a bit hard up in this Labyrinth so let’s just say I’ll take what I can get. And c’mon…two succubi making out in the middle of battle (even if only one is real)…you couldn’t PAY for a show that good. Okay, okay yeah you could. But not in a labyrinth.

So we eventually defeated the fleshy room. I found a wound in the wall, slashed it through, and then filleted the brainy-heart thing inside its wound. I wonder: can fleshy-room creatures have babies? If so, how do flesh-rooms have sex?

Oh, also we killed the last Karavakos…but he sucked like those succubi do in my dreams every night from now on. He just kept getting caught in / fucked up by his own protective zone…pretty disappointing really. So, yeah. No we just gotta take these keys to the door and somehow…do something? I don’t really pay attention to those parts of our adventures. Just the killins and the ladies.

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Proof
Hio was right. Well duh.

by Hio

I knew it. That room did something. Look what happened to Lyssa while we were fighting some skellies:

Lyssa
“Your glory before another’s!”

Yeah. They just appeared outta nowhere and skewered her through.

Well.

At least she isn’t going crazy herself.

Feeling better. Maybe they all got cursed, but at least everyone hasn’t turned on each other.

Going to sleep tonight, looking to kill more skellies and harder things tomorrow. We slaughtered that second Karavako and even Valthrun totally spell-raped the three-headed skellie king. Holy shit that was awesome. Good times, good times indeed.

Now that I know people aren’t going crazy, the idea of staying in this pyramid forever could potentially be a helluva lot of fun. But then there’s the lack of women…maybe I could work something out with V to summon that Danna chick again? Hmmm…

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Miserable Luck
I should have stayed in Winterhaven.

by Valthrun

Ah, where has the time gone…? Apologies, dear journal, for my lapse in record-keeping, but putting the events of the past few weeks to parchment only deepens the reality of my depressing situation.

We made it out of the Labyrinth, after besting Paldemar in a rather protracted battle that was clearly in his favor. Our ‘teamwork,’ if you can call it such, is what allowed us to stay alive, although what disturbs me the most is that Hio was actually right for once – I endangered the group selfishly in hopes that I’d actually be given credit for something for a change. Having stumbled upon the command word for a minotaur construct in what the group thought were mere blank tomes, I used it to save our hides in Paldemar’s Tower of Mysteries, ending his little Vecna cult once and for all. But were I truly concerned with the team, I would’ve shared the knowledge immediately…

After that, we followed a map in Paldemar’s possession to a spot in the Winterbole forest said to have great magic power for the taking, but it turns out it was a trap of some kind. We’ve been imprisoned in an artifact of incredible power – the Pyramid of Shadows – by a powerful tiefling wizard named Karavakos. Since arriving, we’ve also come into contact with a strange orb containing an eladrin’s head. She calls herself Vyrellis, and only allows Lyssa to hold onto her. She was quite distrustful of our party at first (and who would blame her?), but has since provided us with invaluable hints about this place – most notably that Karavakos has been split into three parts, and we must destroy each one in order to escape.

We’ve already destroyed one – a miserable hermit-mage that had much of its intellect drained by Eaters of Knowledge – more of Vecna’s minions. Funny how we seem to keep running into servants of the God of Secrets… In any case, he was likely the weakest of them – I could tell as we fought him that he was having trouble remembering the spells he was using on us, and even so he gave us quite a beating.

Since then, we’ve (against our better judgment) allied ourselves with arboreans (plant humanoids), been forced to fight against Vyrellis’ headless body, slain a white dragon, routed a gang of bandits, and made it onto the second tier in the pyramid, out of four. For my own part, I was eaten alive by rats – unpleasant, I assure you. Elyas brought me back, although he seems leery of the bargain I struck with Danna, an imprisoned succubus we met. I think she will be of great help in the future…

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Mistrust
The party begins to turn

by Hio

This pyramid is beginning to get to me.

And my comrades, both the ones I trained under Douven with, as well as Elyas and that wizard Valthrun have started to turn.

The hallway with the talking stone monster faces and the fucked-up people with too many limbs was where it started. For some reason, Lyssa, in a rage, hit me directly between the ears…her own brother. I knew something was up. Lyssa is way too good and boring to enjoy the friendly type of brawl that is best with someone like Brugg.

Just past the hallway, we found at temple to Chaos, one that was supposed to test its followers. I warned the others, but they all entered the temple. I refused. There is no honor in chaos; even war and death and pain are all logical things. Even Lyssa went in. Even Lyssa…

Nebin, the follower of Chaos, attacked me from within that room. He is not to be trusted, this place has begun to rot his brain.

Apparently the room told them all that I would suffer. I’m all for a good fight, but chaotic suffering is nothing to praise nor embrace.

I returned to the tree people. Here now I sit, uneasy that my friends have been lost to this place.

I am alone.

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Danna: The Hottie That Got Away
Fap

by Hio

So we left the tree people, to try to find more of the Karavakos’s, when we stumble upon a door with that had pictures of Kord, Bahamut, and one other god that I never bothered worshiping. Sweet! I’ve been giving my money in town to that other temple where I’d set up a small altar, but a really real temple to Kord? Fuck yes. Maybe he can make it storm inside here: we’d look totally awesome fighting against a thundering, raining background (though Nebin does his best to help in that regard).

But inside.

A total hottie. Named Danna.

She was all “OMG u like Bahamut?!” and I was all “Um YEAH” and she was all “Hio we should totally have sex.”

Okay, so she was actually a succubus who everybody else in the party then tried to kill. And yeah, I don’t appreciate her hurting my sister but seriously: look at her.

Succubus 2 color by residentlilly

credit

Demon or not, I’d gladly do to her things that would even make the halflings blush.

Then Valthrun made her poof away. Total cockblock.

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We Killed Karavakos! Oh wait...
Maybe we didn't kill Karavakos

by Hio

So we went into a library filled with books. I set it on fire with Irontooth. Stole a few books to fuck with Valthrun cause he deserves it. Oh. There were wizards or “Eaters of Knowledge” or something in there too but meh.

AND THEN WE FOUND KARAVOKOS AND KILLED HIM BOO YEAH!

But Vyrellis said that there are apparently 3 Karavakoses’ses. Thanks for telling us NOW, biatch.

She got kinda pissed at Nebin in the library, because he may-or-may-not have acid-ed off her face in the library. No, not HER face, but there was a statue of her and it was the statue’s face that got melted. That Nebin, what a funny guy.

We had found a gem that Vyrellis (also, why is every person whose name starts with a “V” so whiny?) wanted with her for company. I thought it was just cause she’s an orb herself and we all got our interests. Clever Lyssa figured out that Vyrellis is also in 3 parts, just like Karavakos. I wonder if we will have to kill her too, then (Vyrellis, not Lyssa).

Right now, we’re spending the night in the lair of tree people here. They agreed to help us if we A) killed a garbage monster for them and B) agreed to join their tribe by planting seeds in our arms. Killing the monster was no problem, Elyas and I dominated him. But, while we were taking care of business — the others were killing rats. More specifically, Valthrun was getting eaten by rats. To death.

Don’t worry, he’s fine now. We had the stuff to raise him so we did. Hopefully he’ll be a little more grateful toward the rest of us, now that he sees we care about him enough to bring him back.

So, now I got a seed in my arm, which is fine because I already know what it’s like to have wood.

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Adventuring Again
Perhaps never to see the light of day again

by Hio

Guh. Remind me never to match a 600-pound ogre drink-for-drink ever again. I’m pretty sure that one of the gods turned up the sun. Good Kord, it was like opening my eyes to one of V’s Radiant Pillars while being repeatedly beaten over the head with a club. Good thing I had some breakfast ale to set my vision straight.

I didn’t really know where the hell we were going this morning. Something about a “place of power” with “vast magic for the taking” or something something. Mostly after what V did, I really just wanted to kill something, kill it real good.

Oh, this morning with us was Ned. Forgot about that guy. We found him in the labyrinth and he took a strange liking to Nebin. But he’s not with us anymore. But I’ll get to that.

So we were seeking this power and a guy named Karavakos when we got stupidly ambushed by some dudes. The annoying part was that, right when we were about to finish ’em off…the pyramid (which was I guess the place of power?) zapped ’em dead. Oh, and it zapped Ned too. But we found him later once we were in the pyramid. Oh yeah, we got zapped into this pyramid after talking to Karavakos outside; he told us we were fucking awesome and that he wanted us to come try out his pyramid. So we said yes and he zapped us and we got plopped right into a giant pit of writhing bodies…

Oh, the bodies weren’t the problem. I got out right away…

The awesome part was this 2-headed giant. Oh man. That guy was huge and kept telling us he wanted us in the pit but we didn’t really go in the pit (except for Valthrun who forsomereason never LEFT the pit) and I was a little bit sad when we finally killed him. Oh well, one more thing to brag to the girls about once we get home again.

Well.

IF we get home again. After the giant, we found a room with severed heads and also a severed head in an orb that talked. Her name was Vyrellis and even though she had a really hott face she was pretty uptight. That and she didn’t have a body so I’m not sure how that would work. But she talks too much anyway so I’d probably have to get her REALLY drunk before she stopped being so annoying.

BUT.

Vyrellis told us that we’re trapped here now, just like her. And that Karavakos has captured us. And that everything in this place is trapped and has been for centuries. And that nobody ages or dies (of aging).

I hope we get out. It’d be sad to never have sex again, and I only have the one waterskin of ale with me. That’s not going to last for forever.

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